Sitting around a campfire beneath a dense layer of fog in Big Sur, a friend told me she’s moving to Los Angeles.
“Oh, wow. I didn’t know you were planning a move.”
“Nothing’s, like, completely set in stone or anything. But yeah, I’m planning to be out of San Francisco come February or March. L.A. is just where I need to be for work. A better network, more opportunities, you know? ”
“That’s really, really exciting. I’m so happy for you.” It took me a moment to respond. My stomach tightened. “I’m selfishly a bit sad, I don’t want you to leave. So many of my friends seem to be leaving the city, it started happening so suddenly. I didn’t think it would be so soon.”
“Yeah, I get that. I just gotta get out of here. Nothing against S.F., I’ve done what I can for my business here. I know I need to keep moving and finally feel ready to do it.”
“When did you finally feel ready?” I asked. “Like, how did you know?”
“I’m not really sure, honestly. There wasn’t much of a moment when I knew I was ready. I’ve been feeling this way for a bit, not feeling fully content here. The decision to move just happened naturally.”
“Hearing you and so many of my close friends say that they are ready for something different makes me feel like I should be ready for a change too,” I said, sorta facetiously.
“I mean, it’s great that you don’t feel that pull to upend your life to feel better like I do. I don’t necessarily want to do a huge move. It seems like you’re content where you are and don't need to leave to find it. I’d live with that.”
“I never thought about it that way,” I continued to stare into the fire, popping and crackling, stars peaking through breaks in the mist.
++++
“Can I ask you a question,” I said to my cousin as we trekked up a concrete hill just west of Duboce Park.
“Of course,” he said.
“When did you know you were ready to leave San Francisco?”
“After 10 years in the city I was ready for a change. Felt like I should grow up a bit and flee the nest. And my partner’s up in Seattle. The opportunity showed itself to me, really. Did your time in New York get you thinking?”
“Yeah,” I responded slowly in between short breaths as we continued to climb. “You know I’ve always had my mind set on moving to New York. I feel torn now. My life in San Francisco is amazing. My best friends are here, the city is stunning. Things feel like they are really settled but still expanding.”
“What’s wrong with putting down roots?”
“I mean, nothing, now that you’re saying it out loud,” I laughed. “I guess my question is more of when do you know when you need to make a change? How do you know if you’re too comfortable?”
“Well, there’s a difference between being content and being complacent. If you’re thinking of these things, I don’t think you’re necessarily complacent. You’re actually in a good spot here: you can’t make a wrong move. You have two great options in front of you, so try to feel out what’s right.”
“‘Feeling what’s right’ seems like a nonanswer.” I joked, “What the hell does that mean?”
“Something for you to figure out,” he smiled back. “Learning to listen to your intuition is a skill in itself. Wish I could give you a more concrete answer, but that itself would be a nonanswer. I will say this though.”
I turned my head to meet his eyes.
“I also thought I would have a New York stint in my 20s,” he said. “But doors begin to close as you get older, not irreversibly, but the feeling of having limitless options begins to dwindle.”
My jaw clenched.
“My point is,” he continued. “Sometimes it’s okay to let some dreams die, especially when an awesome, unexpected path is right in front of you.”
I watched my feet in front of me. Left, right, left, right stepping onto the pavement.
“How does that sit with you? What is your gut saying right now?”
“I’m not sure,” I said eventually.
“That’s okay, too.”
+++
Ilya dropped his ice cream cone almost immediately after we stepped out of Salt and Straw on Fillmore. His comedic timing, intentional or not, is always impeccable.
“God damnit,” he exclaimed, a little too loudly. People turned their heads to check out the commotion.
“You really have been loopy today,” I said in between giggles.
“Well yeah, fuck, I was walking up and down my stairs all day moving my stuff out of my place,” he said, peering down at the splattered ice cream, pooling around the edges. “Let’s get out of here, I hated the licorice flavor anyways.”
I bit my tongue. He sampled the licorice before buying.
We started walking in the direction of Lafayette Park, wandering like we’ve always done since college. Meet in a neighborhood, see where our attention takes us. Only a few light posts illuminated the park at 8pm. The trees casted dark shadows through the moonlight, and the San Francisco city lights, visible in every direction at the park’s peak, stood in lieu of a starry night.
We stopped in a bookstore. I bought a book I didn’t need. We stopped in a market so I could buy paper towels. Ilya convinced me I didn’t need to buy the $16 six pack of refrigerated protein bars here. They’re probably cheaper at the grocery store.
“But we’re already here and I kinda want them now.”
“Alright. You’re an independent woman.” I didn’t buy them. We dragged our feet to the 22 bus stop.
“When do you think it’s going to hit you that you live in Brooklyn?” I asked.
“Dude, I don’t know. Maybe when I’m walking to my first day of my new job, or when I go grocery shopping for the first time. I don’t know how to cook. Can you send me recipes?”
“I’m actually working on a Notion with easy recipes right now.”
“Damn, you really are that bitch.”
There was something palpable between us as we waited for the bus together. Anticipatory grief? The feeling of loss before it happens, but most certainly going to.
I saw the bus in the distance. “I need to tell you how proud and excited I am for you. I have such a good feeling about your move. I think things are really going to blossom for you. But I can’t imagine not living in the same city.”
“Hey man, I’m a phone call away and you’re going to come visit me,” Ilya responded lightly. “But fuck, I’m gonna miss you so much.”
“Who knows, maybe I’ll be moving there soon.”
“Totally. Or not. Who knows, do your thing. We’re always going to be best friends.”
