“Okay, I know this is a little weird, but I’m going to need you to take three selfies and text them to me. It’s nothing too crazy, I promise. Only one of our amazing nurse practitioners is going to see them so we can make your perfect treatment plan.”
To me, this request entirely defeated the purpose of a phone consultation. Kyle from LaserAway’s exaggerated friendliness and flamboyancy, a great marketing tool for white women, was approachable but with an air of judgment. I scanned my room for a background that would hide my mid-depression hole apartment, with enough lighting to make my greasy hair presentable and blotchy skin less dull.
“So, I just need one where you’re just looking straight at the camera, one where you look super surprised, and another where you look really mad, like the maddest you’ve ever been. Take a moment to take those and send them back to me, literally no rush.”
Kyle from LaserAway stayed silent on the line while I took my selfies. They turned out like this:
“Okay, I just sent them to you. Sorry today’s been a bit of a lazy day, I’m not looking too cute.”
“Oh my god, amazing. Girl, no you look so cute, what are you saying?”
He had to be lying, which felt funny coming from someone who works for a for-profit clinic that offers treatments to reshape the human body.
“And, like I said, these are only going to the nurse so literally nothing to worry about,” Kyle from LaserAway continued. “I’m going to send these over to her right now to check them out. While I do that I’m going to have you take a look at this PDF of Botox ‘before and after’ photos and I would love to hear your reaction. You should be getting a text from me with that PDF right …. now!”
My phone dinged, illuminated by an automated message from Kyle from LaserAway:
Hey, Caroline! It’s Kyle from LaserAway. You’re one step closer to getting the skin of your dreams, how exciting! ✨Please take a look at the below PDF to see some awesome Before & Afters while we finalize your treatment plan.
“You get it okay?” Kyle from LaserAway asked. “I’m going to put you on a brief hold while I get in touch with the nurse practitioner. Can’t wait to hear what you think!”
Kyle from LaserAway’s line went silent and I followed my orders, flipping through virtual pages of strangers aggressively frowning or with brows raised next to a photo of them without the crows feet and forehead lines you’d expect. Some of the strangers were much older, whose prominent lines and wrinkles had lessened with treatment. Others were my age or a bit older, staring back at me with slightly opened or narrowed eyes, almost expressionless, stoic, smooth, and hot.
I considered my reactions to report to Kyle from LaserAway: that it appeared that these photoed participants did indeed get Botox. That they did indeed have smoother skin. That they did indeed eliminate their fine lines and wrinkles. Was there anything to say besides the obvious?
Kyle from LaserAway popped back on the line.
“Hi, Caroline! I have your results from the nurse practitioner, and I am so excited to share them with you. But first, I’d love to know your reactions from the photos. What did you think?”
I stuttered at the start, like a teacher just called on me in class.
“Uh, some great results, for sure. I can see that some people had brow lines like mine, so it seems promising.”
“Pretty impressive, right? It’s really amazing the transformation a little Botox can do. So I can’t sit on these results any longer. Sending you a text right now with your results and we can talk through them! Let me know when you get the text.”
A text from Kyle from LaserAway appeared.
Hey, Caroline! It’s Kyle from LaserAway. Let’s take a quick moment to recap which treatment plan works best for you. Check it out 😎
✅Assessment from nurse practitioner: Great candidate for Botox. Recommend 24 units glabella (“elevens”) per visit. 30 minute visit, spaced every 3-4 months
Great candidate for Botox. I’m not sure how to interpret this feedback.
Kyle from LaserAway explained the pricing for my services, upwards of $400 to be paid every three to four months indefinitely or else my wrinkles would reappear in their natural state in a matter of weeks. I stopped listening after he explained my promotional pricing options, upfront costs of over $1,000 that I could pay in interest-free installments. This was simply beyond what I could afford.
The young Before & Afters, did they have the thousands of dollars of discretionary income to maintain this upkeep, or did they fall into convincing fraud of interest-fee payments? Maybe I’m jealous of them, the seemingly limitless funds and supple skin, the ability and decision to invest in a molding of themselves that is paused for the next three to four months in an admirable, desirable state, the physique we are all supposedly striving for. My dirty apartment and unkempt hair felt all the more embarrassing. And I still had my damn wrinkles.
I washed my face after getting off the phone with Kyle from LaserAway, pretending to write down the date for our follow up consultation. My skin always looks better after some soap and water, the grime from a night’s sleep down the drain and the dewy hydration from a face anew. I stared at my middle of my eyebrows in the mirror, scrunching and lifting, scrunching and lifting. The crease between my brows deepening each time, what would inevitably continue to deepen each time I frown and smile and shriek in excitement and focus with concentration until the day I die, Botox or not. As would those in the Before & Afters, as we all will, equally perfect candidates for Botox.
